I don't dance the NLD dance anymore

Hello loyal readers,

I have news for you that you probably won't know what to do with or how to take it. Which is fine because I don't really know what to do with it or how to take it.

I have been rediagnosed with Aspergers, and it is with this news and the steady decline in my enthusiasm for posting here that i have made a decision. This blog was made with the intention of raising awareness for NLD and providing a venting place for one rather lonely twelvey who had just started high school in the middle of nowhere.

That lonely twelvey is now eighteen years old. An adult in the views of the world and as she has decided that she has outgrown this blog. I will still be blogging in my new blog A small view of the world but not to raise awareness this new blog is for me in general not just one part of me.

Thankyou for journeying with me and do not think for a moment that NLD awareness has stopped just because i have. 

unexpected

i haven't posted on this blog in a long time i know, surprising since for four years i diligently posted at least once a month. For a while i just felt like i'd run out of things to say, of ways to inspire people and raise awareness.

Its hard to do, I won't tell you its not, but i'm halfway through year 12 and I know i can do hard stuff. Next week i'm going to take my Learners test and finally starting to learn to drive. I'm worried i'll kill someone but with some luck i hopefully won't.

Some people with NLD choose not to drive because its too scary and its hard. I chose to wait a few more years then I needed to because i was hoping my hand eye coordination would catch up in those few years. It hasn't but i'm going to do it anyway. Or at least i'm going to try.

I'm doing a drama production in two weeks, its bigger then anything i've ever done and i think its going to be great. Life is like a big play after all and it seems to be going alright.

Settling

Settling into this new life now. First terms almost over and we've moved into our house. Still not sure if I've made any friends but I'm working on it. Or trying to at least.

Set up my IEP at school just waiting for teachers to start using it i guess. Sometimes I get to scared to go to the year 12 common room so i go to the library.

I feel really upset with myself when I chicken out of going in there. I was never scared at my old school i knew I had the right to be in there and I would be able to find a seat.

When I try to go to the one in my new school my legs freeze up and I feel like everyone is staring at me. I feel like i can't breathe and the amount of noise in there makes me feel like i can't think. So I usually turn around and walk out.

I like the library, its quiet and cold and if i go to the back corner no one will know I'm there. When I walk among the shelves looking for a book i feel myself relax. Books are much nicer then people and they smell better. If i could stay in the library all day i would.

Relocation

So we moved and it was ok because I was on holidays so i didn't have to see the house get packed up. I go to a new school now, compared to my old school its huge! I get lost all the time but I'm getting used to it.

There are a lot of year 12s so many i can't count them but there are lots of girls and they all introduced themselves to me at the same time so i can't really remember their names.

They are pretty nice though and even though we aren't besties they let me sit with them. I don't always sit with them though cause the library is so big that sometimes i have to go and look at all the books! They are so cool.

I have to catch two buses to get to and back from school and i do not like it. I don't know why I don't but i don't. I guess I just have to get used to it.

When we get our new house i want to get a new cat because i miss Maple. I want to get a ragdoll and i want to name it Jinx.

This year I'm going to have an 18th birthday party! Wow when I started this blog i was 13 and now I'm almost 18. When I started this blog i wanted to be really popular with 100s of people reading it each day.

Obviously that hasn't happened and may never happen but at least my message is out there so if some confused teen is looking for information, they'll have somewhere to look and someone to ask.

Change

you can change a lot of things. You can change your clothes, Your attitude. Babies diapers. You get the picture. Life is full of change, everyone knows that and there's good change and bad change and all different types of in-between change.

One good change that's happened for me is I'm going to hold off doing Arrowsmith for a year and do year 12 which is something I really wanted to do. I'm going to make friends. REAL friends. Who don't forget to invite me to their birthday parties or accidently on purpose save all the seats on the bench so I have to sit on the floor,  I might even have a birthday party that people will actually come too!

So we have to move so I can go to a good high school for my last year. That's an in-between change.

A bad change is that the last Friday before my big year 11 exams started my cat got hit by a car. Most of you don't know but my cat Maple was one of my best, and well I suppose one of my only friends. I love cats. like really love them. I got Maple for my birthday last year and he was so nice.

His full name was his royal Fluffiness sir John Maple the first, when I got him he was a girl but he turned into a boy. I didn't mind, he was soft and cuddly and he always purred when you rubbed his favourite spot under his chin.

He always knew when I needed a hug or a huge furry cat to sit on my chest and purr. He was a big softie but some people thought he was evil because he used to be a stray. He wanted really badly to fit in my shoe shelf but he was too big.

And then one day he didn't come home. And he wasn't around the next day either. And then me and my sister found his body on the side of the road. Someone had spray painted his face blue. Mum and my stepdad came home from work and we buried him. I didn't go to school that day but none of my supposed friends asked me where I had been the following Monday.

I love you Maple and I hope they have the kind of food you like in cat heaven. RIP.

 

Absent

so guys I know I've been neglecting my blog this year, not a lot of posting action going on so I figured I better give everybody an update on how things are going.

Things are going ok, they are starting an Arrowsmith school in Brisbane that I might get to go to next year. I'm pretty excited because I bet i'll make a great assistant librarian when i'm done and I know my lefts and rights and how to organise things and all the stuff I don't know now.

I mean it might not fix everything and if I do it I might not be able to do year 12 which makes me a bit sad because I really wanted to graduate it would be a big IN YOUR FACE to all the kids who have been mean to me and it would just prove to some people that i'm smart and I can do some things.

Some of my friends and I have talked for many, many lunchtimes about what we will do after we graduate. Some things I know for certain I will do like going down to the beach with my year 12 maths book and burning it... along with some of the maths books from previous years.


I want to travel... not alone maybe with my mum and see all my friends who are in different parts of the country and then i'm going to work as an assistant librarian and publish my first novel when its finished.

I really hope I can go to the Arrowsmith school AND graduate high school cause that would be really cool.

i was right

i was right year 11 is tough, tough as nails, but i am too. For awhile i lost my passion for writing, my fanfictions. the original story i've been working on and this blog all suffered but i think i'm back now.

I thought as i do every year that this would be the year things would get easier not in terms of school work because that can only ever get harder, but maybe my social life might pick up i might go to a few parties have a few friends over have a birthday party maybe? i should know by now that i shouldn't raise my hopes up to high. But i can't help it.

Evidently things are going along how they always have. i've got 'friends' who are nice and friendly. They let me sit with them but they don't invite me to the movies when they are all going together. They don't invite me to parties and i'd bet all the money i have [ not very much] that if i did have a birthday party none of them would turn up.

It bothers me a bit that they all study together and hang out and do the things other teens do. But i don't have anyone to do that stuff with, not one person.

Before this year i didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by people and still be lonely. But it is.